We are absolutely over the the moon they our baby is beautiful, happy and healthy and all safe tucked up all cosy in the safety of my tummy!
The morning of the 20 weeks scan I was so nervous, at first I thought it was because I was anxious about the sex of the baby, we have already a beautiful 5 years old girl and a very cheeky and truly loving 2 years old boy so I was honestly happy with whatever sex came out of the sonographers mouth but deep inside I would love to hear that our baby inside is a girl. Simply because my 5 year old is getting to that grown up gangly age where out goes the beautiful bows, tutu’s and sparkly dresses and in comes the jeans, leggings and trainers. She’s finally getting irritated with my playing with her stunning carpet of hair that is that long, it sits on the back of her thighs.
So I secretly wanted another little girls for purely selfish reasons of wanting that girlie girlie stage back again hehe. Either way though, of course as long as the baby is healthy, it really doesn’t matter the sex.
So as I’m getting ready to jump in the car to get to the hospital, I felt so so nervous I had to halt and pop to the toilet in an instant! I then jumped in the car and found myself driving with very unsteady hands as they had a slight shake at the thought of laying on the bed and having the warm jelly drop onto my belly. I finally arrived and parked the car, I met up with Cen and we made our way into the antenatal department. As we were sitting there we couldn’t contain our excitement as we spoke about the future and what life is going to be like with another bundle of joy in the mix.
Life hasn’t always been easy for me and Cen. We’ve had a lot to deal with and we’ve suffered blow after blow of illness and heartache.
We tried for 2 years to conceive our beautiful little girl, it was a very anxious and worrying 2 years as we honestly felt we were in a black hole with no light in sight. We got to the point of speaking to professionals and seeing of a way we could finally get pregnant but it’s not easy. You hear a lot of “relax” , “don’t think about it”, “try another year and monitor your monthly’s ect” just as we were about to lose all hope as we couldn’t afford IVF, I finally got them joyful 2 little pink lines that were clear as day on that white stick that I’d cried over at the same time, every single month. WE WERE PREGNANT!!! Yey!!!
Along came the most swollen little blue smurf you’d think you’d ever seen in your life. She might have been a smurf but she was bloody beautiful. After a few days the swelling went down and we got to see every feature of our gorgeous little girls face and she was the absolute double of her nene (turkish grandma – Cens mum) and also the spit of Cen. She was stunning and she still is! (If I do say so myself)
Life was amazing, hard work but amazing and very rewarding.
Sadly with the Next pregnancy didn’t stick and we lost our baby at just a few months. This was devastating and cause quite the heartache for us both.
After 2 years we decided we wanted to try again for another bundle, to our joy we feel pregnant in the first 3 months of trying. I got a positive test at just a few weeks along but the line was faint with it being so early, I left it a a week or so more and the next test line was a little darker but still not strong.
After doing a clear blue the pregnancy was confirmed and I was 3 weeks along. We spent the next few weeks with huge smiles on our faces and getting excited for the next adoption. When hearing our wonderful news, My Mam came to stay with us for the weekend on January the 10th. We had lots of excited chats and just rode the happy wave and atmosphere in our goes. This particular sat night at 11pm we were watching a film all together and laughing out loud.
suddenly I felt a pain in the right side of my abdomen. I didn’t think anything of it really and went about the night. It was time to end turn off the tv and head to bed. I started my usual routine of, teeth brushed and wee before bed. As I went to have a wee I saw, to my sheet horror a red tissue! I was bleeding!! I immediately called the hospital and explained at this point I was 6-7 weeks pregnant and losing blood. They ushered me to go in straight away to the A&E.
My Mam stayed home with Esme at it was nearly midnight, luckily Cen was with that weekend as he used to work away, me and Cen got to the hospital in a panic and assumed we would be seen straight away. The anxiety I felt was unreal. We were soooo wrong! We sat there for about 4 hours in the emergency room with all the drunks and even criminals sat next to us in handcuffs with a police escort! It was absolutely awful in there.
After 4 hours we were then called through to the a&e department through the back and put on a trolly where a student doctor felt my stomach and took some bloody, We then had to wait another 3 hours for god knows what??? They then confirmed that the pregnancy numbers were low and we were in fact losing our baby. Our whole worlds fell apart for a 2nd time. It was now 6am and we had been up all night waiting in a cold emergency department with no comfort only to have our hearts broken for a 2nd time.
We arrived home in pure silence, walked into the living room and both dropped to the couch, we didn’t even look at each other. We sat in pure silence for what felt like absolutely hours until I finally look at Cen and we both fell apart. We held on to each other so tight and we cried together for a long time. My Mam came downstairs at around 8:30am to find us on the couch red eyed and still sat in our coats. She knew and just grabbed us both and we all had another little cry and a cuddle.
We spent the next few hours trying to come to terms with the situation as best as we could but by late that Sunday afternoon I was again struck with sudden but crippling pain in my right side. I called out of hours and again they told me to return. I sat again for 3 hours this time in emergency with Cen and they after a Quick examination they admitted me into ward 10! This was the start of a 5 week stretch in hospital having my heart completely ripped out, stamped on and repeatedly beaten!
After more tests, injections, needles, ect they came to the diagnosis that I was carrying and ectopic pregnancy. This is where the egg doesn’t fully release into the womb and actually gets caught and starts to grow in the tube. This can be very dangerous for the human body and some people have actually died from this.
They did a lot of tests through machines and bloods and decided I needed to “flush the foetus” Their words exactly!! 🤬 as you can imagine this shtick sheer anger and I turned into a psycho as I told them exactly what i thought of their choice of word for the precious baby I was losing! They had to inject me with a drug they use for people in chemotherapy (Methotrexate), apparently this would make its way through my blood and kill the foetus flushing through my tube to clear them a get my life out of danger. I’ve never felt such sadness in my whole life. I felt no empathy at all from the nurses and doctor who couldn’t even call dying child a baby, they even put me on a ward, in a room with heavily pregnant women who had healthy pregnancies and talked about their joy and future plans! This killed me, over and over and over!! I had to go into a side room of my own whole the drug was administered and it had to have the nurse doing the treatment and whiteness as it well as someone there to hold my hand and reassure me. I laid down on the bed and was told to turn onto my right side. One nurse grabbed my hand and held it so tight while stroking my shoulder. I sobbed, I sobbed like I’ve never sobbed before in my whole life. My baby was about to be killed and there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. The thought of that evil solution going through my body slowly and killing my baby slowly over a 4-6 day period was an absolute killer. I was in so much pain after the injection that they kept me on the ward doped up with morphine. A week later I was a totally broken person. I had daily visits from my Mam, Esme and Cen but I still felt so alone and pained. The doctors needed to take more bloods to ensure that the pregnancy hormone figures had dropped and that the “treatment” had worked. They were alarmed to see that the figure and strength of the pregnancy were actually still really strong but still not arms strong as a full health pregnancy rate. They did more tests through more machines and more bloods and they found that the egg was still in the tube and hadn’t moved at all. The solution hasn’t touched it. Inside I was so relieved and for a slight second I felt I was going to get to keep my baby and everything was going to be ok!! I had to wait another few days before the doctor came and told me I was going on the the list for a laparoscopy, (a keyhole form of surgery where they can go inside the body and find out what’s going on and why the egg hasn’t moved). I was top of the list but kept getting put back due to emergencies cropping up. Therefor I was a prisoner on this ward for longer with the torture of all these woman, some with child, some absolutely nuts and spend all night talking to the walls and sitting in the cleaning cupboard with mops! (I’m not joking) and other who constantly shouted NURSE!! NURSE! All hours of the night!
I’d been admitted to the hospital around 3 weeks already. Suddenly one morning on the doctors rounds, he told me I’d be first on the list go down to theatre, emergencies set me back again but I didn’t finally Get picked up on the trolly at 10am. Cen wasn’t with me when I went down but I knew he was on his way and would be there for me waking up. When i got back to the ward I was so groggy, I’d had 19 different operations in the past so I knew the score with The after effects of surgery, this time I was just so emotional, as soon as I was wheeled back to the ward and Cengiz gave me a kiss and a cuddle i fell apart. I wasn’t sure in any results and it was just a waiting game again. I fell asleep in Cens arms and slept off the anaesthetic and the morphine. The next morning the surgeon told me they had looked at my tube and it was perfectly healthy but due to the last miscarriage which had also miscarried from the same tube was healthy but on the inside it was like a strand of hair from your head. The eat the cuticles open and create a jagged damaged effect of the hair also happens inside your tubes and that’s what caused the egg to get jammed inside. Because my tube was still strong and healthy they didn’t want to remove my tube as this would leave me with only one tube on the left side and reduce my chances of pregnancy again. So they decided to leave the tube be but smoothed it down a bit and then they said it would be best for me to have a 2nd dose of the chemo drug.
Again I had to go through the awful ordeal of being back in that same room with the same people and having the same drug again. Because this drug is lethal, it gives you the same effects of what someone with chemo is going through and you’re excessively tired and sick ect. They keep me in for another 2 weeks and slowly but surely the pain reduced, I got really sick and then started to get better and the pregnancy hormone levels had reduced all the way to zero. This meant that my pregnancy had ended and the tube was clear.
I didn’t think I had any emotion left and I just felt cold and quiet. I said my goodbye and got discharged from the hospital after 5 weeks of being in there.
I was still tender with pain but I was on a 3 week bed rest because of the pain. My Mam was an absolute angel and she stayed up at ours this whole time. She looked after Esme for me while I had good and bad days. I was still very distant and quiet but after a week or so at home I finally let the emotion go and broke down to Cen for a long time. I then realised I had to grieve and put this down to an awful experience. My baby was 11 weeks when we finally lost it. I don’t know if it was a he or a she but I do know that them tiny little footsteps will forever dance in my heart along with our 1st sleeping angel. 👼🏼
Time passed and our heats for stronger and we were blessed with another pregnancy in the June of 2015,
it was the scariest and most anxious of all pregnancies as I was just expecting the worst to happen all the time! I spent everyday scared to go to the toilet in case I would see blood, scared by every single pain or movement. Thanks god on the 23rd of Feb 2016 we were blessed with the arrival of my rainbow 🌈 baby boy who was absolutely perfect and health and also may I just add that he also was a smurf when he arrived plus he was bigger and more blue hehe
but he was perfect and within a few hours he was all settled and started to show his full features ❤️.
Now I sit here 2 and a half years later, 5 months and one week pregnant with a precious and healthy baby girl. I went through a further 2 scares with heavy bleeding the day after I got a positive test, we were in Turkey and Cen drove me straight to the local hospital, they scanned me and took bloods and confirmed a strong pregnancy and I wasn’t going through another miscarriage. Then after our holiday and we were back in the uk, I was 6 weeks pregnant and o started spotting again. Once again it was off to my local hospital for a check and again thank god, everything was absolutely fine! 🙏🏻❤️
As I laid on the sonographers bed watching our beautiful baby on the screen while squeezing Cens hand tightly, we looked at each other when we heard the words ” your expecting a healthy baby girl” the sparkle in his eye made me cry with joy. I thanks god that very second for blessing us with another healthy pregnancy and I still pray every day that everything will go perfectly for remainder of the pregnancy and We will hold our gorgeous baby in February of 2019.
No matter what life throws at you, remember you are strong!! I’m a strong believer in “Everything happens for a reason” sometimes this is heartbreaking to believe but I believe my sleeping angels were just too good for this world so god decided to keep them safe in heaven on a bigger and more important mission.